On my quest for beauty, I got side swiped by a disease that forced me to conform to an identity that was not of me. My weak body traveled down a path of abuse and neglect, all to meet the standards of a society that wouldn’t stop to acknowledge the so called achievements. Every tear and curse that left my eyes and lips were in vain of the control which was taken from my grasps. The control had been handed over to a force not seen by the human eye, but was of a ruthless attempt at perfection.

   Without even knowing it, I had lost my self. The issues and disappointments I had tucked into the darkest corners of my life had broken out into sheer want to prefect something that had not been entirely flawed. The respect I once had for myself had vanished in the blink of an eye. The only aspiration that I had was to find my happiness in the numbers on the scale.

   The magazines only confirmed my dismay and proved I didn’t live up to the beauty of the flawless models on the cover. My body and mind were poisoned by numbers. My soul was bruised from the mirror. My life was in the midst of an unforgettable battle- A battle to find a way to understand the difference between beauty and its manifest. The disease had done its worst, and I had unknowingly invited it into my life and housed it in the beat of my heart. My frail body had conformed to the idea of slowly shutting down because on my own the fight was already lost. The unexpected loss of normal bodily functions and social outings had slowly been withered down, and still the disease had pushed me further down a path that no man should go alone, but the thrill of the unknown, and the corrupt happiness that came from the grief of the scale pushed it further.

I found myself many times wondering how great death would feel compared to the pangs and emptiness that filled my body from the tips of my toes to the brim of my heart. My smile began to fade and my life was crumbling at the mercy of control. My exhausted life, my exhausted body, and my exhausted soul couldn’t handle the rules of the game. As soon as I chose to fight a better fight, I was immediately convinced the only happiness I would ever find was that of a number. My life had suddenly reduced its self to an unhealthy body weight and the inability to live a healthy life. This landed my empty life in a place that would challenge my fear of food and my want for true beauty; the hospital.

  The wires attached to my pale skin and empty body, counted the beats of my limp heart and insured that there was still hope. The wires bound me to a bed, and confirmed that I had finally carried out the duty and every want this disease– a near death experience. I had been misled, I was red with anger, and now it was up to me to walk away from the broken promise and fight for my life, and to fight for the chance to find myself in the mess of Anorexia.  

          The disease had turned my life upside down, smashed it, and somehow I was now convinced I would never be whole again. My identity was reduced to that of a monster. My life was built around lies and out of my mouth came lies. I isolated myself and wondered how I fell into the traps of something which wanted me for death. The grief this disease caused had forced me to collapse at the site of a mirror and influenced me to find beauty in the bones that outlined my frail figure. I was never good enough for the disease, I was never good enough for myself, and never felt like I was good enough for the people around me. My low self-esteem and emptiness made me a perfect victim for the disease. I lost myself. I was no longer Rae Smith, I was a statistic.

        Things began to brighten in 2009 during my last year of high school. I had stayed an extra year in order to make up the courses I had missed while in the hospital. I had new friends, I had ambition, and I was optimistic for the future. The only thing was I still had anorexia. I tried so hard to be freed from it. Every good thing was ruined by this disease. I was on the soccer team and I couldn’t eat enough to sustain myself and felt faint and weak during games. I was withdrawn from friends in order to protect my eating disorder. I started project helping hands and felt amazing but still anorexia lingered. I hated myself and I didn’t know where this hate was coming from, but hate was consuming my life. I was losing my desire to live and I started to self-harm. Things once more were completely out of control.

        After 5 years of high school I graduated. I was in love with my last year! It was fantastic and I learned a lot about myself. I had gotten accepted into to Social Work at York University and I felt optimistic for my future, for the first time I could see a future with out Anorexia. My optimism started to fade over the first weeks of summer as anorexia took over my life once more. I was playing soccer and I was working but I wasn’t eating. I started to get weak and felt my life slipping through my grasps once more. I went to my doctor for a check up and she said “Rae… if you don’t get help I will be advising your parents not to let you go to university.” I was so discouraged. How could this be? I had worked so hard and had overcome so many obstacles to be able to go to university and it was going to get taken away from me. I had two months before university… recovery seemed like the most impossible thing on the planet. Here I was again with my life torn to pieces by anorexia.

          I had been accepted into the General Hospital’s Eating Disorder Program. I remember the day my mom dropped me off at the hospital for my first meeting. Here I was eighteen years old entering an eating disorders program once more. I sat at a table with seven other women who had an eating disorder. I was still a teenager but these other women were around twenty-five and older. If I didn’t make a change soon, I would never be free from anorexia and I would be thirty years old still suffering.

  The thing that was different about this time was that I was desperate for help, hope, life and anything they could offer. I entered the meeting feeling optimistic but quickly I was reminded of the pain and the fight of recovery. After the meeting was over I was empty and numb and I felt and I knew there was no that way I was going to be able to go to university. It seemed impossible… I only had two months to recover. If I couldn’t get better over the past six years how could I possibly get better in two months? I was done. I was out of options. I got into the car and my mom looked at me with her loving eyes and turned up the radio. I’ll never forget the song that was playing; it was How He Loves by Kim Walker. I closed my eyes and started to cry. My mom looked over at me and knew she was most likely going to lose her daughter to anorexia. If I didn’t die, I was still dead inside. I was not the girl she knew, anorexia stole this from her.

       Later that night I went into my parent’s room. I was pretty broken up and I didn’t know what more I could do. They prayed with me and reminded me that God is always there and wants the best for me. I remember going into my room and kneeling down by my bed to pray. I cried out to God and asked him to forgive me for housing anorexia in my heart for this long. I longed to live again and I knew the only way I could find life was from the one who gave it to me - God. I wanted to live! I wanted life and I wanted what ever He had for me. I left my bedroom a new person. I left Rae Smith and I was committing my life to Jesus Christ and was ready to fight for my life.

          I started the painful process of therapy and opened up about things I always avoided. I was real with myself and faced the fears I was running from. I started to eat things I was always afraid of, all of the things that I deprived myself the previous six years. I was gaining weight and I was accepting the form my body took. I had done a complete 180! I overcame anorexia in the summer of 2009. I overcame it in two months and just in time for my first year of university. I have to give the glory to God because he delivered me from this disease and only he could. He promised me a brand new life if I surrendered my pain to him and in return he gave me unconditional love, forgiveness and a brand new life. Some people say “maybe you were just ready to get over it.” Eating disorders are the most common chronic illnesses in the female adolescent population. I stand here today eating disorder free after 2 months of recovery. Here I am a year and 8 months later, I am  healthier then I have ever been in my life, I’m a Don, I have great friends, I’m on the Peer Support Team, I have a wonderful family who fought beside me, and I am doing everything anorexia tried to steal from me. This is all possible because of the grace of God. I don’t use the word impossible often, but it is impossible for me to be where I am today without Gods hand. 

      This is the end of my struggle with anorexia. I will never face it again because I, Rae Smith, am accountable to whoever is reading this. I vow for the rest of my life to live a life that is healthy, happy and loving. Of course I still struggle with body image and low self-esteem; those are just unfortunate normal day to day occurrences. But I will share something with you; I have found a way to love myself. I have stopped looking in the mirror for beauty and I started to look inside myself. I was surprised to find that there are things inside me that I actually loved. I am an empathetic, energetic, optimistic, compassionate, accountable, loving person and this is why I love myself. I do not need the mirror and I do not need the bathroom scale any longer. I searched for six years to find self acceptance and I think we have all been looking in the wrong place for self love and acceptance. As cheesy as it sounds, it truly is what’s inside that counts.        

I will not let Anorexia take another minute, hour, day or year from my life. I’m in control now. So here’s to positive-self image, being imperfect and finding a way to be content with who you are. Here’s to a future without self hate and destruction. It is time to make a new beginning and to leave those broken pieces behind. Look up, these bitter days are about to change!